Monday, July 26, 2010

An Open Letter

An Open Letter to the Various Manufacturers of Newborn and Infant Products:

Dear Sirs/Madams:

I have been receiving heavy mailings from many of you recently.

High-value coupons for Newborn Swaddlers, monthly coupons for $3-5 off of formula. I have even received two formula samples in the mail, and a stray newborn diaper sample or two. Gerber infant food coupons, baby life insurance - it is a veritable deluge.

(Universe, you are not funny!)

The first few mailings I could take, and laugh off to error. But when the cans of formula started arriving in the mailbox, and even a bottle sample?!? I had to take action.

I appreciate the quantity of personal reproduction information you must have filed away on me. I am the first to admit that, yes, I have a number of children. And I can see how, according to your calculations, it must be time to add to that number, as my youngest has just turned two. I truly applaud your initiative, as it were, but I have a statement to make for the record.

Dear manufacturers, whom I have supported well and often over the past nine years: I will no longer be needing your services. It is not, in fact, breeding time again. Not even your glorious $5 coupons can change my mind this time, though it pains me to say it. Your itty-bitty diapers did not bring up a well of sentiment, and your baby food especially did not make me wistful.

I ask that you stop and desist these erroneous mailings immediately! I am no longer laughing, and in fact, when I fetch the mail and find infant information - I am prone to language that my chidren should not be hearing. Sending newborn mailings to a mom home with four in the summer is just wrong!

Now, if you have any summer camp vouchers handy, or valuable food coupons - those I could use. Or, and I know this is stretching it - some Pull-up coupons? With Toy Story on them? That is completely in line with the direction we are going. Really. Age it up a little. We are still in the toddler phase, after all.


PS/FYI: I have tried on numerous occasions to give away our infant carseat over the past year, to no avail. I even took it to Goodwill - and they refused it. Again, Universe. Enough with the Not Funny.


  1. You're too funny! Love this, B!

  2. Hilarious! Wouldn't you love to know how they decide about the mailings?? You are probably right..they are figuring on odds..based on your {history} I guess the odds counters to not have a {sanity} default button they push at the end of the calculating. :) Love the new background. So nice.

  3. This made me smile. I enjoy your writing. I found you on Cjane's "We're On Our Way Over" post.


Put it right here, babe!