January 31, 2007 "With a Bang and a Boom"

We've entered the Age of Two with a bing-bang-boom. Keep in mind these are actual events, and no creative liberty has been taken. Really. Sometimes truth is funnier than fiction.

7:15 am We are awakened by a loud crash from the girls room. I sort through the possibilities in my mind in a split-second, discarding unlikely sources or events (i.e. a crib has completely collapsed, or the garbage truck is collecting in the nursery.) I listen carefully to the babbling for a second, awaken fully, and dash in there. Entering the nursery is like stepping into a warm, dark cave. Their noise fan is on, it?s pitch-black, and the first wrong part of the equation emerges: Jadyn greets me at the door, delightedly. She somehow catapulted herself out of the crib, banging her head on either the closet door, or Isabella?s crib. She?s not upset by this at all, just rubs her head and says ?Bump head, Mommy.? Isabella is exclaiming excitedly, and much more worriedly "Sissy fall! Bump head! Oh no!" Oh no is right. I'm not ready for this.


9:45 am The girls are safely downstairs, going on with the day. They are watching a show, I am out of the room for a moment. Loud crash Number Two occurs, followed by loud screaming from Isabella. I leap down the stairs in a single bound, over the baby gate and into the room. Isabella has apparently climbed on top of the TV, and toppled it from the stand to the floor. She is terrified but unhurt. Jadyn is sitting just beside the over-turned TV, yelling "No Bewa! Bewa climb show! Show down!" Did I mention Jadyn is naked? Yes, she will not keep any clothes on, in fact the only reason she leaves her diaper on is because she doesn?t like messes, so peeing on the floor disturbs her. Soothing, hugging, admonishing complete, I wonder what in the world else could possibly happen today?


9:50 I am again attempting to get something done, anything done - dishes, laundry, dusting - things that require leaving the room momentarily. The girls are happily playing or reading in the playroom, so I sneak away. I peek out to check on them, and they have silently dragged a chair to the kitchen counter. Isabella is fiddling with the CD player, Jadyn is sitting on the counter wearing Rick's prescription sunglasses, grinning back at me, still naked. Rick turns the chairs over, next to the wall, out of commission - we think.


9:56 am Another peek to check on them, and once again they are on the counter. They have pushed, pulled and wrestled a chair from ACROSS the room, into the kitchen. I say sternly "Girls! Get down right now!" Isabella hightails it off the counter into the playroom and hides in a corner. Jadyn sits right where she is in the middle of the counter, opens my cellphone, grins at me, puts the phone to her ear and says "He-wo?" We remove all the chairs to another room, safely behind a gate. Whew. Really, what else could they get into?


10:15 am Like the fatalist lemming off a cliff, I continue my attempts at getting things done around the house. Surely the little imps will tire of their impishness and play with actual toys. Ahem. The sounds of clinking and clanking ring from the kitchen?s tile floor. What are they doing?? Making a souffle? Opening a bottle of wine? I ignore and console myself with the thought that I have locked the drawers that have dangerous items in them, so how bad can it be. One laundry load later, the banging is louder so I have to go check. There?s only so much household damage I am willing to repair, after all. Tweedledee and Tweedledum have all the silverware out on the floor ? and Isabella has had her way with it, placing the pieces neatly in rows. The wine thought was not too far off - they both have corkscrews and are tapping them on the windows, giggling. Isabella quickly puts hers back in its case, and Jadyn throws hers in the drawer. They're on to me now, and pull all the cuteness strings to stay out of trouble. For Jadyn, this means scooping up all of the silverware, and yelling "No Bewa, No Touch! No no!" while tossing it all in the drawer and slamming it. Jadyn's tactic of "blame and clean" is definitely funny, but I prefer Isabella's look of guilt.

Day's End: I have child-proofed the remaining kitchen drawers. Rick's idea of tying the chair legs to the table legs, a la public park, has been implemented. Dare I say bring it on? No, I don't dare. Because even as I type, they have dragged some other climbing tool into the kitchen, and are even now plundering the counters, dialing foreign countries on my phone, and pouring water into my purse. It's much too quiet down there. The sounds of guilty, furtive activities are usually quiet and echoed by "No, sissy I need that!" They must be drinking my water, I hear slurping and "Ah!" They are mocking me. Isabella repeats my line of "Girls, that's not funny" only she say "Dat's not dunny." Her "f" sounds are "d" - particularly "dunny" when she says "Ouch, my dinger!" Or "Wook! Wook! A dish!" "I wanna deed me." But that's another story. Oh well. back down into the trenches I go.