Busted

Today:

Cole: Mom, do that funny "I'm a fat baby" thing you do.

Me: Not right now, I can't go from angry mommy to funny mommy that quickly.

Cole: That's funny, because you can sure go from funny mommy to angry mommy in an instant.

Ba-duh-DUM! That's right folks, he'll be here all week!

Oh, the joyous moments we have with our offspring. Oh, the heartwarming moments when we think we have utterly failed to teach them any gratefulness or empathy. Oh, the proud instant when angry mommy decides a lesson is in order. All for the greater benefit of mankind, don't ya know, let alone the lesser, albeit crucial, benefit of family serenity. Don't even get me started on my "productive member of society vs societal leech" lecture.

I am learning what a parental soapbox-er I can be, if the recent eyes glazing, and little heads nodding in pain with that "please-just-finish-fussing-so-we-can-get-on-with-our-fun-and-or-squabbling" looks are any indication. All for the greater good, I tell you!

Add to it my lecture list, which is growing with the ages my kids reach.

For age 10, the list contains one prominent speech: "Apply yourself in school to the best of your ability, or you will grow up to live in a van down by the river." This one has many variations, and yes, the examples of future fast food jobs and beat-up cars (also parked down by the river) are trotted out. They don't work. Ten year olds think fast food jobs are super cool, and beat-up cars just mean fun has been had in them.

Now, one lecture that did get his attention, surprisingly, was the "Please think long and hard before you start a family of your own" talk. I know. It slipped out in a moment of weakness, when Child 4 was bombarding me with sensory overload (read: screaming AND lofting cars at me). I begged Cole to travel and finish his education and do all sorts of fun things before he settles down and starts a family.

He replied frankly: "I'm beginning to think I should be a bachelor like Uncle Zay, and spend all my money on heated toilet seats and sports cars!"

Oh, the simple pleasures of (supposed) bachelorhood! Heated toilet seats?? That I cannot attest to, in his uncle's defense. The sports car? Oh yes. Top of the line.

I don't know where I was going with this chat, or if I reached my destination. But wow! I feel better. Confessional booth, you are borderland today.

I can now ease up on the lectures.

(Still for the greater good, I swear it!)